That's all very well, but whilst I'm busy dreaming away here, life is in fact passing me by at an alarming rate!
This is an(other) attempt to put myself back on track. How many times have I been derailed now? I have had a very strange three months in which I have given myself some very good advice and then promptly ignored it. I feel that the past four years has been a bit of a waste somehow and yet... I refuse to accept that it has all been wasted. I keep telling myself that I can use the experience, write it all out of my system. To be honest though, I would rather leave the internet behind.
Normally, when you get sucked into a system, there comes a point when you get spat out again. With me though, I feel as though whatever (whoever?) has sucked me in refuses to spit me out. I began to fear the worst some time ago but didn't want to admit to myself, least of all to anyone else, that I might have a "problem." It was when I started to google "internet addiction" that I had to admit to this. I now have to take steps to undo bad internet habits: not logging on until I've written at least 500 words; not checking my emails for the 100th time before lunch; not logging on to forums or message boards; winding down any Facebook activity. Yep, all these are time wasters. They aid procrastination. They suck away any real productivity. This is where the last four years of my life have disappeared to and it's shocking!
I would like to whittle all internet stuff down to blogging but I don't know how realistic that would be. I mean, how can I withdraw from the internet and blog my progress? How ironic would that be? Of course, there's the trusty paper journal (and yes, I do keep a "real" paper journal); there's no real need to make it electronic. Hmmm... I could waste some more time wondering about this - or I could just shut up shop and move on.
Whose dream is it anyway?
~
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
A Pool of Tears?
It's been a frustrating old week – not helped by the fact that I have been full of cold and not functioning at full speed. Also not helped by a minor issue which – in my defence – wasn't entirely my fault! Anyway – enough of that.
Another thing which has bothered me this week has been the fact that I have been having flashes of inspiration at all the wrong times; times when I couldn't really do anything about them. I've even kept my dicta-phone with me at all times – but when push came to shove, I just couldn't get those glimpses down. I feel like I've hit the wall – and I haven't even started Nano yet – I don't even intend to do Nano this year (resist – resist!) What I do want to do though is recapture that Nano “attitude” if that's the right word. In order to do this, I need to work out what it is about Nano that works. It's the only time when I can actually get down to it and write. It does come at a price though; family suffer because it's an all consuming thing. So, I want to capture the Nano ethic whilst not compromising the family. Nano is approximately 1700 words per day (1667 to be more accurate [1666.66667, if we're being really pedantic]). To some people, that is a huge target, to others, it's peanuts, although to be fair, the ones who claim to be able to knock out 10,000+ words per day, don't seem to have any other priorities in their life – and by priorities, I mean families – as in spouse and children. They might have other important things though – I don't know and I'm really not in a position to be judgemental about this because we all have various commitments which is up to us to manage. And, to be fair, I have the same number of hours in my day as anyone else. My point is, if you have a family, you can't simply shut them out as if they don't exist. Life is about interaction and let's face it, it's pretty hard to interact with yourself (even if you do make more sense sometimes). Back to the Nano word count... If 1700 words is a bit high, perhaps it should be reduced to something a bit more manageable? 1000 or even 500 would be more realistic. My ideal is 1000, but if I'm being realistic, 500 might be more manageable for now. Besides – I'm going through an editorial process right now – but as it is a Nano, much of it needs rewriting and as Nano is a mere 50,000 words – I need another 50,000ish words to go with it – and no, I'm still resisting another Nano this year because I don't want another mess to tidy up. The idea is to cultivate a little quality right now... I reckon I need somewhere between another 30 to 50,000 words. So it's not pure editing, it's a bit of editing, a bit of rewriting and a bit of pure writing. Now I've sorted all that out, I've avoided what I came here (Java Lounge) to do and write the concluding scene to chapter two. I know what it is – I just don't know how to proceed. And, my neck and back are aching now... Owww...!
(Ten minutes later...)
OK – I rested my back a little and still managed to write (some of) this scene. It's not perfect but it's getting there and I made myself do it.
Another thing which has bothered me this week has been the fact that I have been having flashes of inspiration at all the wrong times; times when I couldn't really do anything about them. I've even kept my dicta-phone with me at all times – but when push came to shove, I just couldn't get those glimpses down. I feel like I've hit the wall – and I haven't even started Nano yet – I don't even intend to do Nano this year (resist – resist!) What I do want to do though is recapture that Nano “attitude” if that's the right word. In order to do this, I need to work out what it is about Nano that works. It's the only time when I can actually get down to it and write. It does come at a price though; family suffer because it's an all consuming thing. So, I want to capture the Nano ethic whilst not compromising the family. Nano is approximately 1700 words per day (1667 to be more accurate [1666.66667, if we're being really pedantic]). To some people, that is a huge target, to others, it's peanuts, although to be fair, the ones who claim to be able to knock out 10,000+ words per day, don't seem to have any other priorities in their life – and by priorities, I mean families – as in spouse and children. They might have other important things though – I don't know and I'm really not in a position to be judgemental about this because we all have various commitments which is up to us to manage. And, to be fair, I have the same number of hours in my day as anyone else. My point is, if you have a family, you can't simply shut them out as if they don't exist. Life is about interaction and let's face it, it's pretty hard to interact with yourself (even if you do make more sense sometimes). Back to the Nano word count... If 1700 words is a bit high, perhaps it should be reduced to something a bit more manageable? 1000 or even 500 would be more realistic. My ideal is 1000, but if I'm being realistic, 500 might be more manageable for now. Besides – I'm going through an editorial process right now – but as it is a Nano, much of it needs rewriting and as Nano is a mere 50,000 words – I need another 50,000ish words to go with it – and no, I'm still resisting another Nano this year because I don't want another mess to tidy up. The idea is to cultivate a little quality right now... I reckon I need somewhere between another 30 to 50,000 words. So it's not pure editing, it's a bit of editing, a bit of rewriting and a bit of pure writing. Now I've sorted all that out, I've avoided what I came here (Java Lounge) to do and write the concluding scene to chapter two. I know what it is – I just don't know how to proceed. And, my neck and back are aching now... Owww...!
(Ten minutes later...)
OK – I rested my back a little and still managed to write (some of) this scene. It's not perfect but it's getting there and I made myself do it.
Friday, 5 September 2008
Good Intentions
I really need to kick myself - hard!
I started to work my way through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I've even been doing quite well - considering I'd been on holiday for two weeks in the middle (I'm up to week five now). We got home last Sunday. Our oldest started his new school on Tuesday and youngest doesn't go back until next week. So, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. The morning pages that Julia Cameron advocates had been going well too. This is something I have tried and failed on and off for a number of years now. I was doing so well until this week - the best I'd ever done, but then came unstuck. The main problem is, I'm just really bad at mornings.
Still, I'm going to take each day one at a time and not give up. I'll get back on track one way or another. I've still got the novel to edit and finish but have been faffing about with replotting a few key areas (it needs doing so it's not a wasted effort at all).
The other thing I want to do is make more regular posts here - I mean - anyone would think I'd drifted off the planet or something!
I started to work my way through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I've even been doing quite well - considering I'd been on holiday for two weeks in the middle (I'm up to week five now). We got home last Sunday. Our oldest started his new school on Tuesday and youngest doesn't go back until next week. So, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster. The morning pages that Julia Cameron advocates had been going well too. This is something I have tried and failed on and off for a number of years now. I was doing so well until this week - the best I'd ever done, but then came unstuck. The main problem is, I'm just really bad at mornings.
Still, I'm going to take each day one at a time and not give up. I'll get back on track one way or another. I've still got the novel to edit and finish but have been faffing about with replotting a few key areas (it needs doing so it's not a wasted effort at all).
The other thing I want to do is make more regular posts here - I mean - anyone would think I'd drifted off the planet or something!
Monday, 7 July 2008
Oh yeah! All right! Are you going to be in my dreams...
...tonight?
I've been working (with a little help from a friend) on my subconscious. It's a slow and sometimes painful process because I have to consciously try to remember to do it. I mainly need to adopt a more professional attitude (it's there in theory) and above all, stop procrastinating. Today however, is a bank holiday in the Isle of Man (Tynwald Day) which means I have everyone at home today, which in turn means - I have to spend the day slightly differently. No matter, I'll just treat it like another Sunday - that's what it feels like to me anyway.
I had a series of dreams:
I am in a house, not my own, and not my parents either, although they seem to have some kind of ownership over it. My mother is staying in the guest room however. There is food, breakfast food; grapefruits and coffee in particular. There is a cup of tea waiting for me, but I make a beeline for the coffee instead. It is a small white kitchen.
In another room, there are the children's two sleeping bags waiting to be packed. For some reason, I must make some alterations to one of them (the green one) and I set to work cutting sections of it. I get the cuts wrong and have to make more and more until all I have left is a handful of ribbons. I know I have made a mess of the sleeping bag but I continue. Eventually, I zip up the bag all around the outside and neatly pack it away.
What was all that about? Sounds to me like some kind of accidental destruction, which once realised, I carry on with regardless? There are a lot of contrary elements to this... It has been said this week that I am my own worst enemy.
I then pass a group of singers down on the beach. There is a lead singer and a "deputy" who takes control because the lead cannot be heard unless he holds his mic right up to his mouth. The director however, persists with the lead singer, forcing the mic on him...
I could do with a little persistence...
I am climbing the stairs of an old double decker bus, but they have come away from the walls and there is a large gap at the top which looks dangerous. I could make it all the way up but decide not to as it is unsafe and I get the feeling I shouldn't be there anyway.
Hmmm... sounds like I'm too afraid to take risks in order to develop? How depressing! This clearly implies I lack the nerve to go for it and succeed. I must work on that.
I continue the bus journey in any case, but with everyone else on the lower level. One of the passengers is an older lady who works for Manx Telecom. I ask her why my internet connection wont work and she tells me it's all to do with atmospherics.
I am now in Malta, behind a wall by the sea front. There are two sun loungers here. One is occupied by the daughter of a well known actress although they look exactly alike. She wears a yellow bikini, showing off a mostly slender body - but her abs need work (this seems important for some reason). I take the second sun lounger and wait for the waves to hurl themselves over the wall. From (dream) experience, I know that the ninth wave will be the biggest and will completely engulf us so we decide to move away... after the fourth.
Is this another risk avoidance? Is it a positive or a negative one?
We enter a large building which might be a hotel and attempt to go down to a certain floor in the lift.
It did have a name - the floor, but I can't remember it. Also, lifts crop up a lot in my dreams - but I have never found an explanation for it (symbolically) in any dream dictionary... I imagine it has a similar meaning to stairs?
The actress's daughter doesn't follow me she seems to already know that the lift is out of order. I come out and we take the stairs - down. I hear strange noises, music and voices. There is a sense of urgency in her and... I wake.
I've been working (with a little help from a friend) on my subconscious. It's a slow and sometimes painful process because I have to consciously try to remember to do it. I mainly need to adopt a more professional attitude (it's there in theory) and above all, stop procrastinating. Today however, is a bank holiday in the Isle of Man (Tynwald Day) which means I have everyone at home today, which in turn means - I have to spend the day slightly differently. No matter, I'll just treat it like another Sunday - that's what it feels like to me anyway.
I had a series of dreams:
I am in a house, not my own, and not my parents either, although they seem to have some kind of ownership over it. My mother is staying in the guest room however. There is food, breakfast food; grapefruits and coffee in particular. There is a cup of tea waiting for me, but I make a beeline for the coffee instead. It is a small white kitchen.
In another room, there are the children's two sleeping bags waiting to be packed. For some reason, I must make some alterations to one of them (the green one) and I set to work cutting sections of it. I get the cuts wrong and have to make more and more until all I have left is a handful of ribbons. I know I have made a mess of the sleeping bag but I continue. Eventually, I zip up the bag all around the outside and neatly pack it away.
What was all that about? Sounds to me like some kind of accidental destruction, which once realised, I carry on with regardless? There are a lot of contrary elements to this... It has been said this week that I am my own worst enemy.
I then pass a group of singers down on the beach. There is a lead singer and a "deputy" who takes control because the lead cannot be heard unless he holds his mic right up to his mouth. The director however, persists with the lead singer, forcing the mic on him...
I could do with a little persistence...
I am climbing the stairs of an old double decker bus, but they have come away from the walls and there is a large gap at the top which looks dangerous. I could make it all the way up but decide not to as it is unsafe and I get the feeling I shouldn't be there anyway.
Hmmm... sounds like I'm too afraid to take risks in order to develop? How depressing! This clearly implies I lack the nerve to go for it and succeed. I must work on that.
I continue the bus journey in any case, but with everyone else on the lower level. One of the passengers is an older lady who works for Manx Telecom. I ask her why my internet connection wont work and she tells me it's all to do with atmospherics.
I am now in Malta, behind a wall by the sea front. There are two sun loungers here. One is occupied by the daughter of a well known actress although they look exactly alike. She wears a yellow bikini, showing off a mostly slender body - but her abs need work (this seems important for some reason). I take the second sun lounger and wait for the waves to hurl themselves over the wall. From (dream) experience, I know that the ninth wave will be the biggest and will completely engulf us so we decide to move away... after the fourth.
Is this another risk avoidance? Is it a positive or a negative one?
We enter a large building which might be a hotel and attempt to go down to a certain floor in the lift.
It did have a name - the floor, but I can't remember it. Also, lifts crop up a lot in my dreams - but I have never found an explanation for it (symbolically) in any dream dictionary... I imagine it has a similar meaning to stairs?
The actress's daughter doesn't follow me she seems to already know that the lift is out of order. I come out and we take the stairs - down. I hear strange noises, music and voices. There is a sense of urgency in her and... I wake.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Jam Tomorrow - That's The Rule.
It seems I'm even more behind down the rabbit hole than I am up in the clouds on Bushy's page. No excuse really - unless you count Facebook and other time wasting activities.
Note to self: really must do better. Better - be-etter - baa-ett-er - baa-aaa.....
Tons of work to do. Yes it is work! How dare you suggest it's just playing about with writing! For such a "Nice little hobby" it does have it's frustrating moments. For one thing, no-one takes it seriously. You are expected to break off what you are doing in favour of something far more important, because you're not really doing anything. Well - oftentimes - if I'm being entirely honest - I haven't been doing any actual writing, because I've been doing other stuff. Mind you - I also get so overwhelmed by that other stuff that it can slip by the wayside too. What I think I'm trying to say is, procrastination has got the better of me (again). Some call it writers' block - but I know what I want to write (and edit - but that's a different matter altogether), I'm just putting it off.
So, even though I've been beating myself up for months (years?) about not achieving as much as I would want to, I'm going to say it all again:
Life is marching by - rapidly. You only get one chance - you know what you have to do!
Note to self: really must do better. Better - be-etter - baa-ett-er - baa-aaa.....
Tons of work to do. Yes it is work! How dare you suggest it's just playing about with writing! For such a "Nice little hobby" it does have it's frustrating moments. For one thing, no-one takes it seriously. You are expected to break off what you are doing in favour of something far more important, because you're not really doing anything. Well - oftentimes - if I'm being entirely honest - I haven't been doing any actual writing, because I've been doing other stuff. Mind you - I also get so overwhelmed by that other stuff that it can slip by the wayside too. What I think I'm trying to say is, procrastination has got the better of me (again). Some call it writers' block - but I know what I want to write (and edit - but that's a different matter altogether), I'm just putting it off.
So, even though I've been beating myself up for months (years?) about not achieving as much as I would want to, I'm going to say it all again:
Life is marching by - rapidly. You only get one chance - you know what you have to do!
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Stop!
So what's a girl to do? I had a dream that I had to take O out of school early to see the dentist (I do actually have to take him out of school twice next week - one time being for a hospital appointment). We had to race to find the dentist as it had moved (and never mind the fact that I haven't been near him for the last four years- well he keeps threatening me with stuff...) Anyway, we can't find the dentist and we are on Victoria Street in Douglas. P is with us by now and he and O are suddenly on their bikes. N has also joined us (where did he spring from?) We are crossing the road via a zebra crossing (which doesn't really exist as it's a pelican in reality). We cross. N and I are over to the other side when a car with an old man at the wheel drives up the wrong way up this one way street. We scream at him to stop but he hits O and doesn't stop. I phone for an ambulance straight away and we tend to O at the side of the road. We think he's going to be ok but there's no ambulance. I phone again because I realise I've forgotten to tell the emergency services exactly where we are and an ambulance has been roaming Douglas all this time trying to find us apparently.
I wake up and O presents me with a letter from school telling us that year 6 are to start cycling proficiency next week...
I wake up and O presents me with a letter from school telling us that year 6 are to start cycling proficiency next week...
Saturday, 29 September 2007
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